(Probably) FINAL UPDATE FOR THIS BLOG. READ PLEASE.

Thank you so much, guys. For being such incredible followers. The bummer is that I think a couple of poisons have made secret Tumblrs and followed this blog, so I need to ditch it in order to fully ditch them. But you guys have been incredible and so very helpful and I would not be here if it weren’t for your help.

I AM going to keep this blog up, since there is so much history here. I can’t just trash what I have here. So it will stay. I have already followed a couple of you on my new blog. I will probably follow more. If you want the new URL, send me a message ASAP. I got a large quantity of amazing messages, so I lost track, but I will respond to all that come in for the next few days.

Unfortunately, there will be some people that I will have to wait a while to give the URL to, some maybe not at all, simply in worries that it may get back to that negativity.

In other news, I have officially been prescribed anti-depressants.

I took my first one today. I am very nervous. Because I am worried about the side effects. And today, all day, all I have felt is guilt. So terrible, just so terrible. And anytime I’m around somebody I just feel like they’re angry at me or creeped out and all I want to do is apologize and keep saying sorry sorry SORRY.

I still feel genuinely sorry.

So there you go.

Not much else to say.

To those of you who sent me such amazing words, THANK YOU. I’m sorry I have not gotten back to all of you, I am quite drained and antisocial and, according to the doctor this morning, suffering from SEVERE depression. Fucking severe. But know that I appreciate every last word.

My eyes have been opened to a fuller reality of my “relationship” with Martin, and the realization of the rape within in. It was toxic. Until all of my realizations today, the manipulation stifled everything. Before being with him, I went through EMDR therapy, where I worked on telling my brain that I am worthy and deserve good things. My brain was telling me otherwise. And now, after spending time with him, his manipulation and psychopathic tendencies have made me teach myself that I am terrible and worthless and deserve to be abandoned and nobody will care if I die.

I stifled the sadness that he instilled in me, and it finally bursted out, sadly through severe temptations of suicide.

Luckily, I know for a fact that I would never actually kill myself. I’ve been going to therapy since 4th grade. I know better than that. But this is the worst it has been in years. Since 10th grade. I’m finally not hiding anything. I’m not devaluing my emotions.

I am not okay. But I will be. I am watching myself. I am sticking close to the friends that have always been there, checking in once in a while, even with a hello. Not with the ones that suddenly came out of the woodwork when I got suicidal. I know they all care, and I love you all, but I need honest friendship right now.

Thanks again. So much. For everything. You guys have put up with so much from me, and I REALLY appreciate it.

From ChienAndelusia to FictionalDetails to Mangerzone to BitchThirsty (I am so classy, look at me with my URLs), it has been something else. My love for Tumblr is really about the people.

SO LAST CALL.

If you want my new URL, even if you’ve already messaged me asking for it, message me again in the next few days. I will respond privately. Maybe. I don’t know.


HAVE BEAUTIFUL INTERNET AND REAL LIVES, I HOPE YOU ALL MAKE IT. BECAUSE YOU LOSE IF YOU DON’T.

RACE YA TO THE END.

So somebody sent the link to my mom.

Which kind of sucks, because I was gonna try to bring it up to her.

But it’s also okay and understandable.

But the conversation with my mom was really awkward and, like expected, she seemed really disappointed. And then like, awkwardly sent me off. I wish she hadn’t seen the video. And I could have just told her on my own. But. Opportunities and stuff.

I don’t know, I freaked a lot of people out and now I’m nervous because some people just aren’t talking to me and I don’t know what’s going on and I’m really sorry, I feel really terrible. I don’t know. I’m very lonely feeling still even though I know I’m not alone completely.

Just.

I don’t know.

The people I want to talk to the most are all just. Silent. They seem angry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I am just so terrible. I’m so sorry. My mom normally hugs me in my depressed moments. But not this time.

I’m so sorry.

We talked about putting me on medication. I will try it. I think. Probably.

I don’t know, I’m so sorry.

So now I just feel really bad. Oh man.

Sorry, guys.

Well that was an exciting welcome home.

Hey, here, have a car you can walk across the parking lot to carrying all your heavy bags when we know you feel really sick and we’ll whisper a hello and not say anything for the rest of the ride.

Damn.

I know I’m just being silly and selfish, but yeah. I don’t know.

If there’s any one person in the Twin Cities who wouldn’t hate sitting in Eagle Park on Summit Ave with me tomorrow and be sad and like, I’ll probably cry and you can leave then if you want, I would dig that. Just a suggestion. I dunno.

I’m in Minnesota now. It doesn’t feel as good this time. I feel like I’m intruding. Or poisining. Unwanted. Like I am just not wanted and I should just stop coming here.

asker
I just watched your video, I can see the pain, the fear. We all have faith in your, I don't know if you're religious or not, but have faith in God, you were put on this earth for this reason and there is only one of you, you're special. You deserve to be happy. You are not alone believe me and you have to keep going, please. You're such a beautiful person and deserve to show that to everyone. Please listen, we all love you very much. Love you gorgeous

Oh man these are making me tear up. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try. I wish I could believe in god, because that would make this so much easier, having something to believe in. But I’ve tried and I can’t, but thank you. So much. Your time spent on sending me words is very much appreciated. We will see what I can do, I guess.

Thank you so much to everybody who sent me words. I’m currently on my phone and its not making it easy to respond. But I will. Thank you guys.

I’m on the megabus at the moment and eating is near impossible and I am very lonesome and very scared and am on my way home but I’d rather not be because my whole support system is in Chicago right now and I’m going to be home with nobody to see and I just keep making myself miserable and WHY AM I SAD? Iwant to watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s but I can’t because I’ll cry too hard but maybe I’ll do it anyways. I’m nervous to see my mom when I get back because I know I’m going to cry but I don’t want to because I don’t want to explain last night because she’s already so stressed out and that wouldn’t be fair and I just keep. Losing. Everything.

asker
my dear. you don't need to get rid of this tumblr. it is your friend. just because of one last internet mix-up, don't get rid of it. most of the crap subsided, keep your tumblr. welcome back to minnesota, from an always friendly anon that has posted before with kindness. do. not. die.

I don’t think you are a friend at all. I think you are a lurking, selfish anon who knows too much about me and probably thinks that I would be angry if you told me who you are and you clearly do not know the whole situation. I think it’s people like you that I let get to my head and turn myself into a suspicious crazy asshole.

If you gave a rats ass, you would know that the anons have been a part of my destruction. And you wouldn’t do this.

Any words will do.

I had to put this on youtube. Because it wouldn’t load on Tumblr for some reason.

So here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_aA0GlJaYA

Yeah. And stuff. Any words please.

sodapopsanchez replied to your post: Annnnnnnnnnd I’ve been crying for two hours…

What’s wrong?

I’m trash.

I just stepped out of the way of a truck last minute. A big part of me wishes I hadn’t. I can’t believe I just did that. I thought I was done. I’m sobbing in my ally. I can’t stop. I need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry.