Thank you so much, guys. For being such incredible followers. The bummer is that I think a couple of poisons have made secret Tumblrs and followed this blog, so I need to ditch it in order to fully ditch them. But you guys have been incredible and so very helpful and I would not be here if it weren’t for your help.
I AM going to keep this blog up, since there is so much history here. I can’t just trash what I have here. So it will stay. I have already followed a couple of you on my new blog. I will probably follow more. If you want the new URL, send me a message ASAP. I got a large quantity of amazing messages, so I lost track, but I will respond to all that come in for the next few days.
Unfortunately, there will be some people that I will have to wait a while to give the URL to, some maybe not at all, simply in worries that it may get back to that negativity.
In other news, I have officially been prescribed anti-depressants.
I took my first one today. I am very nervous. Because I am worried about the side effects. And today, all day, all I have felt is guilt. So terrible, just so terrible. And anytime I’m around somebody I just feel like they’re angry at me or creeped out and all I want to do is apologize and keep saying sorry sorry SORRY.
I still feel genuinely sorry.
So there you go.
Not much else to say.
To those of you who sent me such amazing words, THANK YOU. I’m sorry I have not gotten back to all of you, I am quite drained and antisocial and, according to the doctor this morning, suffering from SEVERE depression. Fucking severe. But know that I appreciate every last word.
My eyes have been opened to a fuller reality of my “relationship” with Martin, and the realization of the rape within in. It was toxic. Until all of my realizations today, the manipulation stifled everything. Before being with him, I went through EMDR therapy, where I worked on telling my brain that I am worthy and deserve good things. My brain was telling me otherwise. And now, after spending time with him, his manipulation and psychopathic tendencies have made me teach myself that I am terrible and worthless and deserve to be abandoned and nobody will care if I die.
I stifled the sadness that he instilled in me, and it finally bursted out, sadly through severe temptations of suicide.
Luckily, I know for a fact that I would never actually kill myself. I’ve been going to therapy since 4th grade. I know better than that. But this is the worst it has been in years. Since 10th grade. I’m finally not hiding anything. I’m not devaluing my emotions.
I am not okay. But I will be. I am watching myself. I am sticking close to the friends that have always been there, checking in once in a while, even with a hello. Not with the ones that suddenly came out of the woodwork when I got suicidal. I know they all care, and I love you all, but I need honest friendship right now.
Thanks again. So much. For everything. You guys have put up with so much from me, and I REALLY appreciate it.
From ChienAndelusia to FictionalDetails to Mangerzone to BitchThirsty (I am so classy, look at me with my URLs), it has been something else. My love for Tumblr is really about the people.
SO LAST CALL.
If you want my new URL, even if you’ve already messaged me asking for it, message me again in the next few days. I will respond privately. Maybe. I don’t know.
HAVE BEAUTIFUL INTERNET AND REAL LIVES, I HOPE YOU ALL MAKE IT. BECAUSE YOU LOSE IF YOU DON’T.
RACE YA TO THE END.