Sometimes I’ll look at old pictures of myself and endlessly think “God, I was so much more attractive, what happened? Why did I let this happen? Where did this come from? I wish I looked like I did even just a few months ago.”

This happens way too often. All of the time.

So I just stopped to think….wait…..so in a few months time…….will I be looking back on these pictures? And thinking the same thing? Is my perception of my real, living self false? If so, what am I now? Am I beautiful now? Does that make me desirable to myself? Are these the goals that I’ll set for myself down the road?

And THIS, ladies and gentlemen and pizzas, is why I post pictures of myself on the internet. So that I can have some THING to look back on that I once felt confident enough with and see myself in that light and think “yes, yes I am alive and a human being with skin and that is cool and nobody else looks like me”.

A lot of people have complained about my excess posting of myself.

Truth be told, my Tumblr is one of the only places where I feel like my actual self. And I feel like I don’t need to feel beautiful. I just get to feel. That’s why I’m so protective of it. There is a lot of history here. A lot of safety. A lot of discord. A lot of virtue. A lot of me. It is important for me to have this, because a lot of the time I will walk outside and want to cry. So hard. Half of the need to cry being because I don’t know WHY I want to cry. I don’t get sad when I look at models. I don’t read magazines anymore. I don’t worry what people particularly think about me.

So why I walk outside and feel hideous and wretched and loathsome and insignificant some days is beyond me.

I need to force myself to see myself. So I take pictures. And sometimes I feel better. Sometimes it makes me want to cry even harder. But moments like this make the beauty and the ease of the insignificance of it all come to light full speed, full blown, in a really incredible way. And it doesn’t matter what I look like.

It just matters that I’m looking at all.

I love Chicago so much.

WHY? In the WHOLE WORLD? Does anybody ever?  Alter their life plans that they have so seriously set course to…….for a persuader? Denying this alter is what scared my last persuader. I’ve interacted with too many. They hinder your success and freedom and guilt you into believing that leaving your own plans behind for them was your idea.

I’ve been lucky enough to get myself out of this situation SEVERAL times, with the help of excellent friends.

These people, these persuaders, put you under these spells, entrance you with being “different” than the “others”. Although they never are. They are cheats. They tell you how dreadful they are at the beginning, so that when they are cruel to you later on, they can tell you that you can’t be angry. As though it was okay for them to treat you so terribly. That you should feel stupid for not expecting it. Now this is your fault. And you will always feel bad.

These things romanticize. Everything. And they don’t hold respect for anything above their power and games and “charm”. Sometimes they don’t even know that they play it. These things will break down without a human lusting after their “charm”. This will come off as depressed. Suicidal. In love. Do not fall for it. They are lonely and bored creatures and are searching for a beaten down emotional booty call.

If a person has ever caused you so much grief that it made you physically ill. Or made you cry for full days for a whole weekend. Or turned you into something you never thought you’d be. Or made you believe that you crying is your fault. Or left you like it was nothing, to go treat another person the EXACT same way as they were just treating you….that is not love. That is an obsession with one’s self and capabilities. That is a villain. Sometimes they don’t see it. Sometimes it is Jekyll and Hyde syndrome.

If one of these things leaves a person for you, do NOT trust that they will be any different. If they return to you, don’t think that they’ve changed. The only way that a person will ever turly be able to change such set, manipulative ways is if they go through therapy.

If you are with a person that you have never known to be truly single, purely by choice, and cannot bear to spend a single day alone without confirmation once of how marvelous they are, leave them. You will not change them and that it not your job.

Why people alter their lives for these things…… I mean, I’ve almost gotten trapped before. But I ALWAYS said, all the way through my senior year, no matter what my situation was, that I would start college single. Unless I had been with somebody for quite some time. But I always knew that if I was in something fresh or wishy washy or with a person who made me feel constantly like crap, I would go alone.

My plans are my plans. No thing such as the one the type I described above, deserves a part in my plan.

I have lied to myself. Told myself I was fine. That I didn’t really love them. That it wasn’t serious. But once they wanted me again, it was true. Destiny. But when they left for the millionth time in two years again, oh, no, I expected it, I don’t care, I AM STRONG HEAR ME sob my fucking self to sleep because I should have known-oh but they’re back so it’s cool, I’m cool, it’s fine, oh they waNT TO MOVE IN WITH ME AND COME TO MY CITY AND BE MY THING IT’S TRUE LOVE.

These things will not love you. They love Love. That character Love. The one that Petrarch always talked about. It becomes their life.

Stop lying to yourself. Stop giving them control and satisfaction and the strength to just leave you again. Because they will. I’ve encountered three of these kind, one that batted me around for four……five years, actually. And I currently know too many people running off with them.

In the ever epic and important words of Capote’s elusive Golightly:

“‘Never love a wild thing, Mr. Bell,’ Holly advised him. ‘That was Doc’s mistake. He was always lugging home wild things. A hawk with a hurt wing. One time it was a full-grown bobcat with a broken leg. But you can’t give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they’re strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That’s how you’ll end up, Mr. Bell. If you let yourself love a wild thing. You’ll end up looking at the sky.’”

Don’t be cautious in your plans and your loving. Be yours. And always your first. And most importantly, be thoughtful and ferocious and set in your ways.

You are the center of the universe. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here.

Made a collection of Anti-Valentine’s, some cards for you to give yourself and to celebrate yourself on this glorious day of all days.

USE THEM TO YOUR LIKING.

There may be more to come. We shall see. Let me know if you have some Forever Alone photoshoot requests, and I will act it out for you.

we all lose a great love at some point.

and the pain of that loss will be tremendous.

but as long as you acknowledge that the time has come to let go and you don’t let it all get the best of you and you remember that intensity. that relieving sigh in the mornings when you woke up to them there, vulnerable and yours. and the unconscious method of the way you held hands and grabbed each others necks so purposefully every time. and the ease of conversation in the middle of the night.

as long as you don’t regret that, don’t abandon that, and also don’t credit that to them, but to love…

great love will be with you forever.

and you will be fine.

As soon as I thought “I really miss Toby the dog the mostest right now”, Home by Ed Sharp came on. No fair. Excuse me while I go to class crying.

As soon as I thought “I really miss Toby the dog the mostest right now”, Home by Ed Sharp came on. No fair. Excuse me while I go to class crying.

gpoy

gpoy

My sister got me lil baby seal slippers for Chrimbus. Dude. Sister. Good job.CUTEST SLIPPERS EVER.

My sister got me lil baby seal slippers for Chrimbus. Dude. Sister. Good job.
CUTEST SLIPPERS EVER.

guys. tell me wonderful things.

Again. You guys. What? Why am I randomly coming across all of the Hitler stuff tonight? I didn’t even search this. What? What?
Artist is unknown.

Again. You guys. What? Why am I randomly coming across all of the Hitler stuff tonight? I didn’t even search this. What? What?

Artist is unknown.

The weirdest moment is when you’ve been apart and out of contact long enough that it all starts to feel like a stranger, and then you look back at pictures and you remember “…….that was my best friend, and that was one of the best weeks of my life”.
The best moment is when you finally feel like you can still fully survive after the weirdness passes.
(twelve)

The weirdest moment is when you’ve been apart and out of contact long enough that it all starts to feel like a stranger, and then you look back at pictures and you remember “…….that was my best friend, and that was one of the best weeks of my life”.

The best moment is when you finally feel like you can still fully survive after the weirdness passes.

(twelve)

I have spent a couple of weekend’s with this kid at youth conferences and he was always the ultimate coolest.

So inspirational to see him grown and presenting the true rights of a world that I know so well.

Go, Zach! Go! Wow.

"Zach Wahls Speaks About Family"